It wasn’t until I turned 40 that I became free04 Jan 2019
Tammy is a brilliant Coach with us in the UK, she shares her journey through that 40th milestone. The challenges, the lies we tell ourselves and how this sabotages life. Read on to see what Tammy has learned and how she can help you!
It wasn’t until I turned 40 that I became free. I mean truly free from the internal dialogue running through my mind. It wasn’t constant, it wasn’t debilitating. This isn’t mental illness as I understand the trauma and the impact of that for people. It was just a nagging, little voice that was always there, that I guess I was used to and never examined. I just thought it was a helpful part of me and as a result, looking back I gave it far too much airtime and encouragement.
What you didn’t know? Of course, you didn’t. You’re surprised? Of course, you are. I’m really confident, I’m successful in my career, I’m funny and outspoken and I’m the person that people hear advice from. Yes, I’m all of those things but I was also plagued by a self-doubt that I was not good enough.
When did it start? I don’t know and it really doesn’t matter. I can just remember times when a teacher would look at me in such a way that I felt completely judged that I didn’t fit in or belong. When I was put in the top sets at school I thought I’m going to be caught out soon enough, they’ve got it wrong. I remember specific instances when friend’s parents looked at me in a confused way, I thought because of my accent or where I came from. These are just times where my feelings of not being good enough were intense.
This showed up in some aspects of my life and not others. In work I am a success, I feel confident, I learned my craft and I received promotion after promotion. I thrive on it. Give me 24 hours notice to present to a room full of people and I will be in my element.
BUT… Invite me out with your friends that I haven’t met before and I wanted to be sick. I mean I hated it. I would do anything to sabotage this situation so it didn’t have to play out; I’ve created arguments with ex-boyfriends so we would cancel, feigned feeling unwell and my best one was to ignore it until the point I should be on my way to the event and I would just send the lame arse text about not being able to make it for whatever garbage I concocted. The worst thing was I knew that I was behaving in this way but didn’t understand it. One time was a friend’s wedding - that is bad right.
I had a belief that I wasn’t good enough running through my neurology but I didn’t know. I can now see the experiences that contributed to this feeling and all the times that it was reinforced making it fixed and giving this story power. I had no idea that this was impacting on me so much. I would re-run every conversation to examine how I came across, could I have said something differently. Did they like me, did they think I’m an annoying t**t, it wont be long before they uncover that I’m a total dickhead! I also had this story that you wont like me when you first meet me but you might then come to like me! I was totally setting myself up for failure and immediate alienation from the get go.
These stories manifest and then when we behave in the way that we have told ourselves and learned we reinforce them even more. When I had a belief change and deleted the garbage belief of I’m not good enough and replaced it with something far more resourceful, positive, powerful and totally kick ass my life started to change.
I can not put into words how carefree I feel. I don’t play any conversations back in my head, I don’t shy away from anything and I’m just not fussed whether someone likes me or not. It really doesn’t matter. I am now totally showing up for myself, my life and my business and life is now in total abundance in every way.
I’m Tammy, I’m 41 and I’m totally free.